Greif and Loss Defined
Emotional Symptoms
Physical Emotions
The Mourning Process
Help Yourself Through Greif
Resources

Grief and Loss Defined: (back to top)

We all face losses: the death of a friend, relative or pet; loss of a job, a dream or a limb. These losses provoke grief, an emotion that is part of a normal, healthy, healing process. Restraining grief is harmful. Releasing it heals.

Many misunderstand grief. They think crying or showing emotional pain is a sign of weakness. They try to deny grief. But feeling the pain helps deal with loss and return to normal ways of living.

Responses to grief are emotional and physical. Everyone experiences grief differently and to varying degrees. Common responses to grief include:

Emotional Symptoms: (back to top)

• Disbelief: Seeing and feeling the loss is painful so you try to protect yourself by denying the truth. You become numb, go into emotional shock.
  
• Anger: You may be angry with yourself for not preventing the loss or with the person who died for deserting you. You may blame someone or God for not protecting you or your loved ones. You may feel hurt or frustrated with a situation you cannot change.
  
• Guilt: You may blame yourself for not doing the right thing. Unresolved conflicts with the deceased or feelings you never shared can add to guilt.
  
• Sadness: Deep sorrow and a sense of loss may lead to sometimes uncontrollable tears.
  
• Anxiety: You may feel anxious or panicked. You may feel unable to face the future or new and frightening feelings. You may even think, “I must be going crazy.”
  
• Relief: If you’ve been expecting the loss for some time, you may be relieved when it happens.
  
• Dreams: Dreaming about the lost person or thing may comfort or upset you. Dreams can signal an emotional conflict you should try to resolve.

Physical Symptoms: (back to top)

You may have trouble sleeping or breathing. Your eating patterns or appetite may change. You may sigh a lot, lack energy or be restless. You may develop a cold or minor infection or suffer a more serious illness, even a heart attack.

• Hollowness in the stomach
  
• Tightness in the chest or throat
  
• Over-sensitivity to noise
  
• A sense of depersonalization
  
• Breathlessness, feeling short of breath
  
• Weakness in the muscles
  
• Lack of energy
  
• Dry mouth
  
• Sleep disturbances
  
• Over or under eating
  
• Absent-mindedness, forgetfulness
  
• Social withdrawal
  
• Dreams of the loss, nightmares
  
• Avoiding reminders of the loss
  
• Searching and calling out
  
• Sighing
  
• Restless over activity
  
• Crying
  
• Visiting places or carrying objects that remind the survivor of the person

Knowing what to expect after a loss can make it easier to cope or help someone else. Grief is part of a natural growth process.

The Mourning Process (back to top)

1. Accepting that the loss is real is often difficult. Sometimes you can’t’ grasp that it won’t be restored. You may hold onto habits or objects connected with the loss or pretend the loss is not important. You may even believe you can gain back the lost person or thing. But day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, the absence confronts you, and the loss becomes more and more real. Most people eventually accept the full reality of loss, but it takes time.

2. Feeling the pain follows accepting the loss. Trying to avoid pain is natural but it only prolongs the process. You may try to cut off your feelings, to keep yourself too busy to feel or think or to dwell only on pleasant memories. But the pain eventually will appear in another form, such as depression or illness. Feeling the pain may be the hardest part of grieving, so understanding help and sympathy from others are essential. Remember, pain is a necessary symptom of healing.

3. Releasing the pain through crying helps relieve the sorrow and pain of loss. Laughter works, too: it can release tension caused by fear and anger. Releasing anger through a tantrum—either alone or with a friend or counselor—also can help. Whatever you’re feeling, express it. Don’t hold it in.

4. Adjusting to the environment can take a long time. Loss changes your social and/or physical situation. You may want to put off adjusting by pretending to be helpless, pulling away from others, not facing or doing what is needed, or not building coping skills. A period of accepting help and care from others can help you adjust to a new situation; it can give you time to gather your internal resources. Most people are adaptable enough to develop the skills and goals needed to meet new challenges.

5. Releasing the attachment means letting go of the emotional energy attached to what was lost. At first, you may feel disloyal. You may think this lessens the personal meaning to the past. To grow through grief, you should pay attention to these feelings and know they are normal. But over time, as you practice letting them go, these feelings naturally pass. It may help to talk with a friend or counselor about the difficulties of saying a final goodbye.

6. Forming new attachments helps heal the wounds of loss. You must build new links to people, activities or commitments. Don’t rush: If you don’t deal with your grief first, you may stunt the healing. It’s not unusual to fear new attachments because of the risk of feeling loss again. It’s not uncommon to have doubts about being able to find meaning in new activities or relationships. But new attachments—either strengthening old ties or starting new ones—help recover and maintain your emotional and physical health.

When you’ve experienced these steps, is grieving over? Not necessarily, but you can at least thing about your loss without feeling the same strong pain. The loss still is part of your experience but you can live more fully in the present. Your fond memories of what was lost and your growth as an individual that comes from the grieving process can help enrich your life.

Helping Yourself Through Grief (back to top)

Be patient with yourself:

• Be gentle
  
• Don’t rush the process
  
• Your body mind and heart need energy to mend.
  
• Don’t take on new responsibilities right away
  
• Don’t over extend yourself
  
• Keep decision making to a minimum.
  
• Don’t compare yourself to others who are grieving
  
• Throw away notions of a fixed period of mourning: “one year and then you’re over it.” Grief takes time, whatever time it takes.
  
• Ask for and accept help. Friends and family who are grieving also, may not be the best people to help. If all else fails, seek a pastor, counselor and/or support group.
  
• Accept help and support when offered, even if you are not sure what you need.
  
• Pray to the person who has died
  
• Expect the unexpected
  
• Accept some new beliefs like: it is okay to cry; feelings are feelings—no one can take them away from you; it is okay to be angry (it is not ok to take it out on others or yourself); there is nothing “normal”—everyone experiences grief in their own way.
  
• Be good to yourself: keep a journal; try to get adequate rest; eat wisely; avoid caffeine as it adds to tension; read books; exercise regularly; practice a healthy lifestyle; laugh occasionally; give yourself a break.

Resources: (back to top)

BVU:
Kelly Mattis, Director of Counseling Services
Phone 1226 or 2123
Email: mattisk@bvu.edu
Ken Meissner, University Chaplain
Phone: 2111
Email: meissnerk@bvu.edu

Online Resources
National Institutes of Mental Health
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/index.cfm

National Mental Health Association
http://www.nmha.org

National Alliance for the Mentally Ill
http://www.nami.org/

Behavior Online
http://www.behavior.net/

Virtual Pamphlet:
http://counseling.uchicago.edu/vpc/

Health @ health.com
http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/Disorders/Disorders.html