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Dating Violence
Dating Violence
Early Warning Signs of Dating Violence
Breaking Up Safely
Resources
Dating Violence
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We can easily identify violence when it involves physical abuse. In dating violence (or domestic violence), physical violence is usually the last characteristic to enter the relationship. Violence is a cycle or pattern of behavior and attitudes used to control another person. This pattern may be predictable or it may not. Here are the common tactics used to control a partner:
Minimization, Denial and Blame:
- Not accepting responsibility for actions
- Making a joke when hurting another
- Telling your partner everything is their fault
- Acting like you didn’t do anything
Intimidation:
- Yelling or screaming
- Using a threatening tone
- Talking down to your partner
- Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner
- Making your partner feel afraid
- Tearing up pictures
- Smashing things (usually the other person’s things or smashing things near or close to where they are)
- Destroying property and/or objects
Threats:
- Saying you can’t live without your partner
- Telling your partner you will leave them somewhere if they don’t do what you say
- Constantly threatening to find someone else
- Saying you will commit suicide if you breakup
Domination:
Treating your partner like a baby, property or servant
Making all of the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet
Controlling who your partner sees or spends time with
Setting all the rules in the relationship
Humiliation:
Putting down your partner
Calling your partner names
Constant criticism
Making your partner feel like they are crazy
Humiliating your partner in front of people
Making your partner feel guilty
Embarrassing your partner
Possessiveness:
- Using jealousy as a sign of love
- Accusing your partner of cheating on you
- Not letting your partner have other friends or making them choose between friends and you.
- Telling your partner how to think, dress and/or act
Sexual Abuse:
- Bragging about your sexual relationship to others
- Comparing your partner to past partners
- Flirting to make your partner jealous
- Using drugs/alcohol to get sex
- Pressuring your partner for sex (not accepting no as an answer)
- Forcing sex (rape, date rape, sexual assault)
Physical Abuse
- Holding your partner so they can’t leave
- Slamming them into a wall (physically pushing, shoving or manipulating them)
- Hurting your partner where bruise don’t show
- Grabbing
- Punching
- Kicking
Early Warning Signs of a potentially violent relationship
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Are you going out with someone who...
- is jealous and possessive, won’t let you have friends, checks up on you?
- tries to control you by being bossy and giving orders?
- is scary. You worry about how she/he will react to things?
- is violent. Has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly?
- pressures you for sex. Says, “if you really loved me, you would?” Gets too serious too fast?
- abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them?
- blames you when she/he mistreats you, says you provoked her/him?
- has a history of bad relationships and believes that men should be in control and women should be passive
- your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you the were worried about your safety?
Breaking up Safely
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- TELL FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR COUNSELORS ABOUT YOUR BREAK-UP PLANS INCLUDING WHERE AND WHEN IT WILL TAKE PLACE.
- DO THE BREAK-UP IN YOUR HOME WITH YOUR PARENTS SOMEWHERE ON THE PREMISES OR DO THE BREAK-UP IN A PUBLIC PLACE WHERE YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET HELP.
- NEVER GO TO A LONELY OR OUT OF THE WAY PLACE SUCH AS AN EMPTY PARK, GRAVEL ROAD, OR FAVORITE PARKING PLACE.
- IF YOU HAVE YOUR OWN PLACE, CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. YOU CAN NEVER BE SURE YOU HAVE ALL THE EXTRA KEYS.
- STAY OUT OF DARK OR LONELY AREAS, SUCH AS STREETS, PARKS, OR PARKING LOTS. TRY TO BE WITH FRIENDS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
- BE CLEAR ABOUT THE BREAK-UP. DON’T GIVE MIXED SIGNALS. STATE YOUR BOUNDARIES AND WISHES AND STICK TO THEM.
- RECOGNIZE MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR: GUILT TRIPS, TEARS, HELPLESSNESS, AND THREATS OF SUICIDE.
Resources (back to top)
BVU Campus: SASA (Sexual Assault Student Advocates)
2222 on-campus phone number
http://web.bvu.edu/organizations/sasa/
CADA (Council Against Domestic Abuse and Sexual Assault)
1-800-225-7233 (serves Buena Vista, Cherokee, Sac and Ida Counties in Iowa)
Iowa Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Hotline: 24-hour statewide hotline 1-800-942-0333
http://icadv.org
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
http://www.ncadv.org/
Please call if you need help. Freedom from violence is a right everyone deserves.
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